A few suggestions for VP Biden's Committee

Joe Biden, soon to be leading a presidential commission on gun violence

Since it seems that we as a nation have decided to ignore the obvious things that will make us and our kids safer and instead are going to take the lazy way out…make it someone else’s problem …and legislate our way to safety, I thought I would assist our lawmakers in not just making us a little safer, but making us all the way, completely safe.  Mega-safe.
So here for their consideration is a top 10 list of other things that we should ban to make us safer.  Banning these will not remove all risk from our daily lives, however as our fearless leader just said today “The fact that we can’t prevent every act of violence doesn’t mean we can’t steadily reduce the violence and prevent the very worst violence.“.  Besides, we all know that the guys and gals up on the hill love tacking things on to bills (why do they call it Pork anyway?), so here are a few suggestions for the the 2013 Keeping Everyone Safe From Everyone Else (KESFEE for short) bill that will soon be making its way through the House and Senate:

  1. Guns.  Not just semi-autos, but all of them.  Bolt Actions, Revolvers, Black Powder, and Shotguns.  Someone is no less dead after being shot by one of these than they are from an assault rifle.  In fact, the rounds that the guns commonly referred to as assault rifles were designed to fire were actually designed to wound not to kill, the twisted logic of the military planners being that a wounder soldier takes two people out of the fight (one that’s wounded and one to take care of them) rather than just taking out one with a more powerful round (i.e. the dead guy that no one really needs to take care of).  I would prefer to never be shot, but if I had to be shot by either a .223 from an AR or a 30-06 from a hunting rifle, I’d take the .223 every time.
  2. Knives.  Although handguns are the number one tool of those committing murder according to our good friends at Wikipedia, following right behind them are knives (ahead of “other weapons” which include rifles and shotguns).  We shouldn’t just pick on knives though, I am sure swords and axes have been used in their fair share of crimes, so those should be banned too.  I hope the lumberjack union isn’t too strong to keep this one from happening.
  3. The guys at Wikipedia gave me a few other good ideas. Since we took care of the top 3 items on the list, lets take care of the rest.  So let’s ban other methods which I would imagine strangling, punching, and kicking.  So no karate classes, weight lifting or rope anymore.  We’ll just have to find other ways to stay in shape and tie things to other things.
  4. Rounding out the Wikipedia ideas, let’s get rid of blunt objects.  No more sledge hammers, baseball bats or pipe wrenches.  We all know what Col. Mustard did with the pipe wrench in the Library.  Oh, that reminds me – candlesticks too.  And rocks.  Big ones anyway.
  5. Crossbows and Bows.  Have you seen the cross-bow that was in van Helsing?  That thing was a high capacity weapon if there ever was one.  We clearly can’t leave this sort of destructive power in the hands of civilians.  We should probably throw spears in here too since they wouldn’t be covered by any of the previous provisions.
  6. We definitely need to ban cars that go faster than the speed limit.  Why should you be able to put me in danger because you have a car that goes too fast.  Have you ever been tested or certified to drive a fast car? There is no reason anyone should ever be able to drive faster than 70 MPH, so why should we let them?  To make sure that none slip through we should come up with a list of cars that we know go faster than the speed limit and put it in the law: Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini.  Cars developed for racing have no place on the streets.
  7. To close the “sharp object loophole” created by the knife ban, we should also ban chainsaws, scissors and hedge clippers.  We’ll just have to live with taller trees and shaggier bushes and hair.  Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
  8. Mean looks and curse words.  This is sort of a catch-all provision to prevent the things that often lead to violence.  Surely there are a few things left that people could use to hurt each other with, so by banning mean looks and cursing we will nip it in the bud.  How’s that for getting to the root of the problem?
  9. Crazy people.  Now I know that one of the groups the media seems to be running over in the aftermath of the Sandy Hook shooting is people with Asbergers or Autism.  I’m not talking about them here.  They may have issues, but who doesn’t?  I’m talking about the really crazy ones.  The ones you just know are going to go off some day.  We don’t have to be mean here – send them to Puerto Rico or something.  They want to be a state – show them what it’s going to be like in as part of the US by forcing all our really crazy people on them.  Of course there would have to be an exception here for anyone serving in office…or we wouldn’t have anyone serving anymore.
  10. Free will.  I know the enforcement on this one will be tough, but if we could just make people stop doing what they wanted to do and do what we wanted them to do, think of all the money we could save in law enforcement? Not to mention all the work that would get done and the time we would save in passing new laws and getting things done in Washington.

Now is not the time for half measures.  Now is the time that the government finally needs to make me safe.  I am sure you can join me is contacting your elected representatives right away and asking that all 10 provisions of my proposal be added the KESFEE bill as amendments.  We’ll all be safer for it.
(Fair warning: I’m kidding.  This all in jest.  Banning these things will not make us any safer)






2 responses to “A few suggestions for VP Biden's Committee”

  1. Dave Ault Avatar
    Dave Ault

    You forgot a category. Ban guns used for protection for politicians as their lives are worth no more than mine in my opinion. Funny how they get to have dudes with guns around protecting their valuable little ol' lives.

    1. aakelley Avatar

      Good point. There would have to be no exceptions for the ban of all of the guns. I guess the pols would be left just hiring big thugs that could scare people off with their biceps – since mean looks would also be banned.

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