One year ago, I set out on a through hike attempt. One year later, I am certain that it changed the course of the rest of my life, although many of the details of the extent and magnitude of the changes are still revealing themselves.
There are far too many days, journal entries and walks in the woods to summarize all that’s happened since my last post on day 42. So let’s just start with where I am today. I am back to living indoors, although in a different home, in a different city. I am back to work, although in a different role and on a different team. I am back to my church, although it doesn’t feel like home any more.
Shortly after I got back, I started to draft a post trail update that I neither completed or published:
Been off trail for a few weeks. Supposed to be heading back to work in less than a week. Feeling a bit…numb maybe? I wonder if this is what forgetting feels like? A hollowing feeling. An emptying out of what was felt and known before it’s filled with something else. Or maybe this is actually what being present feels like? I certainly don’t have any attachment to any particular outcome nor am I suffering from any fear of future grief. It doesn’t feel bad…but it doesn’t feel good either. It just kinda feels like…nothing. The spark I felt so strongly coming off trail and even just a few days ago seems to fading. Will it be gone forever? Is this my last chance to keep it alive? Or is this just a pause that I need to keep up the energy for the long road ahead?
I can still feel a bit of that post trail spark, so it didn’t fade completely. Coming off the trail, I felt simultaneously more vital than I had in a long time…and more mortal than I had at any time so far in my life. I could do anything…but couldn’t do everything.
I think that most people have had the experience of making some new parts of themselves smaller to make room for others or for fear of rejection by people that know the “OG” parts of you. It could be a new political view, a new taste in clothes or music, or a new philosophy of life. I think most people eventually gather the courage to let those new parts see the sun and roll out a “dot release” of themselves. I’m, unfortunately in this case, not most people.
Due to a variety of personal and relationship issues I am only now coming to grips with through therapy, I kept those new parts of myself mostly hidden from myself and those closest to me. I always lie to myself first. Over time the gap between the self I was projecting into the world and the self I was becoming grew wider and wider. But on the trail, I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone else for anyone else. Once that mask was off for more than a month, it was too hard to put back on.
Being on the trail for 6+ weeks reinforced the idea that I can do hard things. I’ve known this feeling before, on shorter hikes, so it wasn’t new. However, it was maybe stronger than it had been in the past. Setting out with 25-30 lbs on your back into the woods for a few days before you’ll be in civilization again makes you realize how little you need to be comfortable.
These three feelings – being vital, yet mortal AND wanting to live authentically WITH an underlying sense of being able to do hard things – combined with some extended time off work (never underestimate the ability of 40+ hours a week of work to distract you from your life), lead me to make some life altering decisions shortly after I ended my through hike attempt.
I feel the impact of those decisions every day, in both positive and negative ways. On the positive side, I am living in the world as my authentic self – there is little to no gap between the self I project into the world and the me riding around in my head. On the negative side, I know my decisions have and continue to cause my family deep pain. My only wish is that time and, if you desire it, conversation will close the gap between the me you knew and the me here now, and as that gap closes, your pain will subside.
For those of you considering a through hike, be careful. You never know what you’ll find in the woods. It might just be a you that your world might not be ready for.